So when i break free of this womb jail around May 30 i already know all these crazy people are going to start touching me and pinching my cheeks and stuff. It’s like a “breaking-in” period every baby has to go through (well, at least the cute ones like me… not so much the ugly ones). That’s fine. i’m ready for it. As long as you wash your hands first! And when i say wash your hands i mean immediately prior and using proper procedures before touching me! “Immediately prior” does not mean an hour ago, not after you had breakfast and certainly not last month during your monthly shower (Daddy). Why do i care? Because whatever germs you put on my body will magically somehow get into my mouth and possibly get me sick. Trust me, it will.
Here’s what you need to know about hand washing:
Your hands are dirty if you…
- Touched a phone
- Used a keyboard
- Ate food
- Shook someone’s hand
- Handled money
- Touched your pet
- Just went pee-pee
- Just went poo-poo
- Basically after doing ANYTHING
To clean your hands, follow ALL these steps (and yes many of you do not follow all these steps) …
- Turn on water (preferably warm-hot temp)
- Wet BOTH hands on BOTH sides
- Grab some soap for both hands
- Rub vigorously for 20+ seconds
- Wash all soap off
- Is that so hard?
Why is this important? Because your hands are dirty. Like really dirty. You don’t have to wash your hands after each activity you do like touching a phone but if you plan on doing anything that involves putting your hand near your face or someone else’s face (like mine) then you should wash your hands immediately prior.
Oh and since most of the dirty nasty stuff is invisible an eye-check won’t always tell you if your hands are dirty. As you go about your daily routine your hands will accumulate some or all of the following: germs, bacteria, cooties, H1N1, your poo, other people’s poo, sweat, boogers, etc.
Even if you think your hands are clean, you should wash them occasionally throughout the day for good general hygiene. Your hands may have gotten dirty and you just didn’t realize it. Here are some examples of people who thought their hands were clean but actually weren’t…
- You recently touched a doorknob/phone/keyboard. Those things are ridiculously dirty. Don’t assume they’re clean. Especially if many other people use them also.
- You sneezed into your hands. i don’t care if you wiped your hands afterwards on your shirt or your girlfriend’s hair to clean it. Your hands are still dirty.
- You went to the sink and sprinkled your fingertips with water. Sorry but that is NOT handwashing.
- After going doody (aka pooping) and you wipe your butt. Even if you’re super careful your finger may have unknowingly poked through the tissue.
- Some guy went pee-pee and didn’t wash his hands. That guy then shakes your hand. OMG you just gave that guy a handjob! I call that a “handjob through in-person social networking.”©
- Some guy went pee-pee and didn’t wash his hands. That guy then sticks his finger in your mouth. i don’t know why he would or why you would let him but let’s assume Daddy he did. Yup, you guessed it… a “BJ through in-person social networking”©
- If you’re perversely deranged like Daddy you can imagine the other 5,923 scenarios that can occur like the above. I’m not going to list them all but they are basically all the same format…
Some guy went [bathroom activity] and did not wash his hands. That guy then used his hand to [do something] to you. Yup, you just gave him a [sexual activity] through in-person social networking”.
Those are just some of the ways that your hands get dirty. So just remember that if you want to touch me then you better wash your hands immediately prior. And in case there are no bathrooms nearby then Daddy will give you some hand sanitizer. However, if you refuse to wash your hands or use the sanitizer before touching me, then be prepared for the following:
Nothing personal though… Daddy will still be friends with you. AFTER you wash your hands.
