Baby Einstein videos are bull$h!t… Disney to give refunds

Parents are always in search of ways to make their babies smarter. Marketing $trategie$ prey on a parent’s fear of having dumb babies. That’s why Baby Einstein is such a successful company.

What is Baby Einstein?

It’s a company (owned by Disney now) that sells multimedia products (videos, books, etc) specifically for babies between 3 months to 3 years of age. One of their product lines is “educational” videos. Their marketing department has claimed these videos can improve your baby’s language development and cognitive (thinking) functions. Due to the recent backlash, Disney has removed these claims.

Why is Baby Einstein so successful?

When people are desperate they are willing to try anything…

• Got bankruptcy? Try some easy money making scheme like sealing envelopes at home or answer that email from the polite Nigerian prince with too much money on his hands.
• Got terminal cancer? Go to a third world country and try some weird herbal medicine that involves eating ground up tiger/whale/monkey penis.
• Got babies? Show them a Disney video that will make them smarter. All for the low price of $15.99.

These all sound too good to be true?  It is.

Why it’s bullsh!t

On the surface if may make sense… allow the child to be exposed to stimuli and hope they “absorb” the information (kind of like when you tried sleeping with a textbook under your pillow before a big test… c’mon, you’ve done it…don’t lie). But when was the last time you actually learned anything useful from watching TV/videos? It’s a pretty rare occurrence. Mainly because watching TV/videos is a “passive” activity. It’s just empty calories for the brain. Nothing is stimulated. (***Daddy’s note***: porn will stimulate something… you’ll understand when you’re older).

We all know what happens to children when they watch TV/videos. They become zombified ™.

Symptoms of zombification from TV/videos…

• Head slightly tilted back
• No blinking of the eyes
• Mouth slightly open
• Possible drooling

It’s not just kids either. Adults can be zombified as well…

Take a look at this clip of the Baby Einstein Beethoven video. Is this educational in any way?

I could only watch for about two minutes. Here’s what’s stupid about it…

• (time – 00:00) It starts with a short “written” synopsis of Beethoven and the video.
  • If this is marketed for kids under 3 years of age how the hell do we read that?
• (time – 00:11) There’s a rhythmically dancing bear playing the violin.
  • I’m really only focusing on the rhythmic swaying of the bear. I don’t even pay attention to the music. Zombification has alredy began at this point.
• (time – 00:55) Pictures and scenes of “stuff” (I don’t even know what to call these scenes) with basically a mental overload of colors and movements.
  • I dont even kno how this part is educationel.
• (time – 01:33) Scenes of a mouse/hamster running on a treadmill. That’s right… just running…on a treadmill… nothing else.
  • OMFG. Zombification in ful efekt by now. IQ stedily droping.

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OMG… ok i’m back to normal now. After seeing that steaming pile of poop i had to close my browser and roundhouse kick my laptop.

i understand parents get tired of taking care of their kids’ constant peeing/pooping/farting/burping/drooling and need a “break”. Putting their kid in front of a video that they’ve been told is “educational” just makes the parents feel that much better about handing the kids over to a virtual babysitter. All for the low price of $15.99! But not only is it not educational, the University of Washington has completed a study showing that it actually DECREASES language development when shown to babies between 8-16 months of age! Let me repeat that… in it’s own paragraph… in bold… with big ass arrows.

Now we can’t always believe the results of every study that is done (since many studies have conflicting conclusions, use different methodologies, sample sizes, etc) but the results of the University of Washington study are still eye opening to say the least.

Even the American Academy of Pediatrics says kids under two years of age shouldn’t be watching any TV at all.

However, according to the study, children between the ages of 17-24 months that viewed Baby Einstein videos showed no positive or negative affects to language development. So if your 17-24 month old has been watching these videos but is still licking dust and eating boogers then it’s probably due to your genes and not the videos.

The real method to making your babies smarter

Don’t want those Baby Einstein videos anymore? You can get a refund. Due to an impending class action lawsuit, Disney is offering refunds of up to four Baby Einstein videos (MSRP about $15.99) you have purchased. Apparently, Disney believes restitution for making your kids dumber is only worth up to $63.96.

So how do you make your kid smarter? No one knows for sure but these tips may help. And believe me i know… i’m a baby (well, technically an embryo still). These tips work. (***Daddy’s note***: if my baby’s tips don’t help your kid get smarter then DON’T sue us. Maybe your kid is just an idiot. I’m just saying.)

• No TV/videos – Don’t let kids watch TV/videos if they’re under 2 years of age (this is advice straight from the American Academy of Pediatrics). Try to keep TV/video watching to a minimum and try to keep it educational (i.e. Sesame Street)

• Parental Interaction – Participate in whatever your kid is doing… watching tv/videos, reading a book, storytelling, etc. You can’t just stuff their face into a Molecular Biology book and assume they’ll “figure it out” just by looking at the words and pictures. They need you to guide them. Read to them. Encourage your child to follow along and repeat words and point to things. They need guidance. It’s like taking an online class. If you’re not really that motivated or able to learn it then you won’t. Trust me. Daddy took an online class and sucked at it. (***Daddy’s note***: as soon as you’re old enough you’re grounded)

• Content Matters – Remember that CONTENT MATTERS! Anything your child is exposed to should be appropriate for his age. Unless your child is Doogie Howser don’t expect him to learn Calculus right away. TV/videos like Sesame Street, Blues Clues and Barney are good because they are more educational.

A plea to all my future Aunties and Uncles

Daddy doesn’t think babies watching tv/videos is all that bad. Please tell him it is. He’s already told me that we are going to be watching Jackass videos all day (he calls it baby-daddy bonding time). He thinks those videos promote inventiveness, friendship and creative risk taking.

If you don’t help convince Daddy to not show me those videos… well, i think the flowchart below sums it up perfectly…

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